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You have to do what? Ok, it?s down the hall o |
| So, I was thinking last night.Not a terribly common activity for me, I know.I was just laying back dipping my feet into the stream of consciousness when a thought occurred to me. My ex girlfriends all have something in common.No, it isn't crabs, alcoholism, or a damaged psyche.Well maybe a little damaged, but it certainly isn't my fault...for most of them.?They don't all live in Texas, either.Nope.What all my used kleenexgirlfriend's have in common is that at the point when we broke up, they all started acting like babies.Literally.?This wouldn't be worth mentioning if all the jilted(or in some cases jilters) only?cried.No. I'm talking actual infantile behavior here.It pretty much goes like this.One of us will finally initiate the breakup sequence after an awkward meal or whatever.It takes about a half hour to an hour on average for this to build up.Once breakup sequence has come to a close after the usual "whys?, is it me's?, what's her name's?, I'm going to f$king kill you, you bastard's!(yeesh)" things always look like they're going to calm down.But do they?Nope.At some point during the final sequences of breakup, the girl(usually crying at this stage) begins to drool uncontrollably. |
| But do they?Nope.At some point during the final sequences of breakup, the girl(usually crying at this stage) begins to drool uncontrollably.I'm dead serious.Drooling.Limp lipped, mush mouthed drooling.Combined with the crying( and sometimes sinus drainage) this is fairly hard to watch.Next comes the hand chewing.I don't know if the women are trying to wipe away the drool or if they all revert to a stage in their development where they think teething is occurring, but it never fails.Hand in mouth.Chew.Drool.Cry.Snot.Gross.Next comes the burping.And the spit up.Usually by this time, the girl knows she is acting ridiculously infantile, but that doesn't stop her from continuing the post tantrum reverse aging devolution.?For those who are wondering, yes I give the scorned(or scorning) ladies a towel to clean up.It's the least I can do, especially since I know what is coming next.After the recently single?has cleaned up and composed herself as much as possible given the situation, I just wait for it.It doesn't take long.Not once.Not ever.Her breathing slows. |
| Her breathing slows.Her sobbing stops.She is relaxing.Relaxing.Relaxed.And then it happens.She gets a look in her eyes.They get as big as dinner plates as she realizes what is happening or about to happen.?Her body tenses a little.Her face starts to turn red.She realizes she has started or about to start pooping her pants."Can I use your bathroom?""Sure""Thanks"And off she rushes.Cheeks squeezed, sometimes with a hand on the back of her pants, she crab-steps into my bathroom, then out of my life... forever.The worst incident was this time when one of the girls just let it happen.Pants.Filled.She had a weasely little grin on her face, much like an infant who knows it has just dropped a 50 megaton turd.After that she just walked out of my apartment.I've never seen her since, and frankly I'm glad.Who craps their pants and just walks away without cleaning up?! |
| Who craps their pants and just walks away without cleaning up?! |
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