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WHEN GIVING IN IS ALL YOU HAVE LEFT. |
| LOST IN THE WOODS
????When my sister died this past December, I was under the belief that the death of my mother several years earlier would be the hardest part of life I would face.?I quickly learned that my sister topped that.Perhaps it was the end of a 15 year relationship earlier that year, a rebound relationship that was pure hell, a financial situation that had me fighting to save what I had worked so hard to create for myself and a knowledge deep inside that I was not in the right place, doing the right thing for a living anymore,?which proceeded my sister's death that made it so horrible.I spent most of December walking around in a daze, pale and weightless, climbing under covers when possible.?It really seemed as if life had ended for me also.?I loved my sister so much and I still find myself looking for her emails that I loved getting so often.?I dream of her as I did last night and it is so real I wake up crying or just numb from the pure?agony of it.Then my mother enters my mind and heart and I literally have to wait half a day to feel normal again.More kept happening this year that left me feeling as if I had taken a walk into the woods and suddenly realized I had no idea where I was any longer,?and how to get to where I am supposed to be, wherever that may be.?Those that started walking with me had one-by-one disappeared almost without my noticing.?Now, what do I do??I even had a birthday in the lost wilderness, alone.Last night, I was having trouble sleeping and not feeling very well.I know I have to make a move but the fear of doing so alone has been intense.?However, I have wondered this morning if I need to move at all.My whole life I have been the giver and the one who comes and gets others out of situations.Maybe this time, I need to stay still and let that inner voice come rescue me this time.Maybe this time, I need to be lead rather than lead.Perhaps finding out I didn't have the friends I thought I had was the path cleared away to allow in the friends that should be in my life.for good and bad times.?Maybe, it's time to sit and be silent.ALEX PRINCE? |
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