| lately I have been thinking about a lot of things..like what I want to do and where I want to go in life.I have clearly defined goals I want to achieve, I know what and when and how I am going to do them.but, right now, I seem stuck and I am so lost and confused about how I am EVER going to get there, you know?and I know that everyone goes through times like this..but I feel so alone... like I have no one to turn to and no where to go, and I dont seem to know who is really there for me anymore.Does any of this make sense at all?maybe it is because of my new found discoveries, such as finding out I am bisexual, that throws everything into a new light.Will I end up with a guy or girl as a life partner?and if its a girl, how does that affect my chances of getting pregnant and having a baby?I know there are sperm donors and adoption as alternatives, but the thing is, I want my baby's daddy and I to be together.not that there is anything wrong with two girls raising a baby (or two guys for that matter) but I want to be traditional in that sense.and I dont feel like going Mormon and becoming a palygamist and having a guy and a girl in my life..that just spells T-R-O-U-B-L-E.,, you know??and then there is the thing of so many people telling me that to be lesbigay is a sin... and I dont know...I have been raised to believe that it IS an abomination unto God.Not that I judge those who are... that is also a sin to judge people for who they are and chose to be.I choose to accept the fact I am bi... and the people who matter most in my life can accept that..even if my mother IS dissapointed she still loves and accepts me... and then Amy..she hugged me and told me nothing I ever told her would ever change the fact she's my *sister* and loves me no matter what... that is exactly what mom said to she loves me no matter what...=) Of those who know, I am lucky that so many have been accepting...I know there are those who haven't been as lucky..its just that fact that has thrown my future in the blender and now I have to sort through everything again...I know the future is uncertain (as Damion tells me) and that I may feel differently about everything... just as mine and Dani's friendship has grown so far apart... its nuts... we're oceans apart... it all started when I got my job back at Tysons..no, when she started dating Gary... and now she's married to him... hadn't even invited me to the wedding... knowing she got married today and she wasnt even the first to tell me... that she didnt think I even would want to go... that really hurt so bad... a friend of her's told me today and then she called me today and told me after the fact...I can't understand why she would marry him..he treats her like crap..verbally and physically and emotionally asbuses her... it sucks so bad, she has the things I want in life, just not how I want them or the way I want to get them.I can honestly say I do not envy nor am I jealous of her.With her, I just feel as if I have been tossed aside, the pieces of friendship scattered to the wind... she forgot about everything...I remember it all...I just want to go back to the times in the hotel; jumping up and down on my bed singing Sk8r Boi...*playing* concert... going down hell road playing thriller..every one of the last good times we shared...I want to love you forever, Dani..I know I always will...I miss you and now it will never be the same because Gary wont let us be friends..but its your hand youg ot dealt and and I have to hold the chips that I *won* so to speak... chips that are nothing.But listen to your heart, as I have to do concerning everything in my life..before you tell me good-bye..before you do anything big... you know... and I am having some issues with my health (again) that only two or three people know about... because I can't tell momma she's worried enough as it is...I just wish that I had a hand to hold to lead me through this but I know this is something that I must go through on my own (with my friends and family supporting me, of course) to become a stronger person and become a little bit closer as to figgering out who I am...I honestly think you cant completely know yourself until you're dead... you might know a lot but not everything.and then there are people who know things about yourself that you dont even know...I am me..always will be... wont change for nobody. |
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