| 8:15am:?Day 2 of a smoke free existence!?Ok, yeahI'm not feeling quite THAT peppy about it, but I still have my mind set on a positive outlook.?I put on some music with a good beat and did some exercise after my first cup of coffeehad to skip my hot lemon drink due to continuing to procrastinate and totally forgetting about it while on my candy shopping spree last night.??..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
I've done some self-examination and pondering about cravings and crabbiness.?Being a person with OCD, I realized that the feeling of panic that comes with a craving is very similar to OCD paniclike just tossing down a handful of M&M's without counting and sorting them first.?Or accidentally skipping a step in my shower routine then having to start all over from the beginning so I can put the step back.?That "OMG!?I have to.(insert whatever)" kind of panic is exactly how a cigarette craving feels, times 10.?I came to the realization that I had incorporated smoking into my OCD tendencies, so now I'm not only working to overcome the physical addiction, but the pull of obsession to do things 'the same' in order to be safe or right.?Lets look at some examples: The phone rings and as I'm picking up the call, I'm grabbing my pack and stepping outside to smoke.?Why not??I get better reception outside, don't drop calls, and as long as I'm out theremight as well have a smoke!?This process has been learned so well by my body and mind that, like Pavlov's dogs, I go into a craving panic every time the phone rings.?Sometimes I can replace this with going out for a walk while I'm on the phone or just pacing around the kitchenbut the feeling persists when I stay in the house.?(Gonna have to work on that one.)?Another example is my morning routine:?Get up after hitting the snooze twice, bathroom, make coffee, check email while coffee is brewing, fix a cup, go get the paper and have a smoke, read one section, have a second smoke, finish paper, have a third smoke, check emails again, have another smokeDo you see the pattern??I've incorporated smoking with almost every transition in activity.?Now I feel like I should be DOING something in that space.?I'm finding it difficult to simply finish a task and start on something else.??
For most of my smoking behaviors, I do want to replace my bad habit with something else, like a walk or piece of sugar free candy when I'm feeling 'edgy'.?I'll have to work out what to do to make the transition process smoother, without the feeling of panic that I've missed something or that I NEED to smoke at this particular point in a routine because I HAVE to.?I will continue to ponderbut right now I have to get dressed and head for TCOA for the day.?More later
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On the bright side: I'm becoming more aware of my bodily reactions to stresses and OCD.?Fascinating to study one's self!????
5:20pm:?I am grumpy and don't feel like writing.?I left TCOA at around 1:30 because I couldn't take being around so many people.?I fear saying something wrong and getting myself canned.?So I come home where I can deal with myself in solitude, and what greets me in the mailbox but an $8,800 bill for an ER visit on the 8th that took 6 hours and revealed nothing.?They also billed me for items and services either not requested or refused by me.?Anyway, that's a whole other thing to blog about.?My 'escape reality' brain cells are kicking in and I want a nap.?Still determined to stay smoke freebut not real happy about it at the moment.On the bright side: I haven't smoked.?I haven't even headed for the car to go buy smokes or anything close to it.?While I have THOUGHT about how much I crave one, the consideration of actually smoking is not there.??
11pm: Went to Loonies with friends.?Comedy was ok, getting together with friends was better.?They gouged us on the drinks and food.?I paid $8 for two 4oz diet cokes.?Geeze!?Now I'm dead tired and ready to head off to bed.On the bright side:?I'm still smoke free and my olfactory senses are starting to come back.?At least I can smell smokers.?Let me apologize to everyone.cause smokers really STINK.?Ew! |
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