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Shedding an Old Skin; I Warm my New Skin Unde |
| I cannot remember the last time that I was truly joyful.I think it was probably in Spain, upon reaching Finisterre- overlooking the ocean and feeling accomplishment, peace, and hope.There have been other joys since then- but they have been qualified; getting into Wisconsin and then Stanford; both joyful, but not completely.There have been so many reservations about school.I was joyful to come live with Mike again; but had reservations about having to live in the Silicon Valley; still, it has been perfect to have Mike so close again- what an awesome life partner!About 2 weeks ago, directly after a bad phone conversation, I decided to end a, what feels like, a lifelong friendship with a very special person- someone I will always love, but someone who should not be in my life.In a moment of pure joy 2 days ago I realized that she is still, even through all of my frustration and anger, very, very, very beautiful.I imagine a reality where we know how to share our beauty with each other; that is not this reality.I'm sorry for the way things have turned out between us, but I'm not sorry that it has ended- I feel free, and strangely, not sad about this ending.Maybe things just got to that point, where you expect to find emptiness in the place of that loss, but that emptiness is not there.I was glad to realize that I still love that friend, even though I have had to moved on.I wish I got to say these things to her, I wanted to express this; maybe she'll read, but maybe not.I can, today, say that I am truly joyful.I am scared, terrified even, but even all of that fear is clothed in an excited joy that anticipates change and health.School has, for the moment, taken its rightful backseat.I was able to share a wonderful morning with my partner and express that I loved him.I'm still not completely sure how this happened, or how it appears that my old skin has shed this far.I feel a bit like a lizard sunning herself on a rock, letting the new, rainbow colored skin feel warmth for the first time.I can only imagine some reading this are giggling - I know it doesn't sound like me! Relationship is hard, challenging, exciting, rewarding, and finally, I see, completely worth it. |
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