| Tomorrow will be mother's day.?What does your mother mean to you?Well,?my mother is all that I have left for parents since my father passed away in 1994.?I never had a close relationship with her and as a child and young adult, felt very unloved by her.?Even though I am fifty years old now,?I don't feel very loved by her.?But, she is still my mother and once she is gone,?my parents will be no more.My mother loved to sing and was a very good singer, in her younger days.?She probably still enjoys singing....at home....now that she's a senior,?but I know that I inherited her stubborness,?her intolerance for certain things,?many of her strengths and?her ?love for music.??My mother enjoys working in her yard and tending to her plants and trees.?She always provided us with a very organized home that was worthy of any Home and Garden magazine.?While it may have seemed that?our home was a happy home and indeed, it was?well kept by my mother, ?appearances can be very deceiving.?My mother was and still is, a very hard working individual.?The word "lazy" was never in her vocabulary.She?did whatever it took to make sure we had food, clothes and the things we needed.??Although?my youngest sister had it the best where clothing was concerned,??wearing "hand me downs" wasn't that bad and my mother always?took great care of our clothing to ensure?they were able to be passed from one kid to the other.?While?both my mother and I ?were and still are, very divided on many "family" issues that directly affects our inability to have a decent relatiohship,?the ?fact remains that?it tears me ?apart to know that she will be gone forever one day and I do wish that we could have a relationship of some kind.??I remember getting the news that she was going to have bypass heart surgery and of buckling to my knees in my bathroom and just sobbing at the thought of losing her.?I knew then that even though I disagree with her quite often,?that I do love her.?I don't hold things against her.?She has told me that she never felt loved by either of her parents when growing up...so I can see how that may have been the reason she wasn't that giving in her showing of affection for her children.?She was the daughter of a share cropper and she had three brothers.?Two of them have passed away and I'm not sure she has a close relationship with the only brother she has left.?I remember her telling me about the times her father would force her and her brothers to stay out of school so they could "work the fields".?Her father made her and her brothers work from dusk to dawn and she said they had to move often,?when there were fields to be worked.?Her father was himself a very strict parent and her mother did whatever her father said to do.?She was a home maker.?My mother was a home maker too but she did eventually get a job when things began to deteroriate between her and my father, way back when I was an older teenager.I won't say that mother was a very strict parent but I will say that she did say "no" alot and when she said "no" to me,?I went straight to my father.?I never took "no" for an answer.?I still don't.?I am at odds with?my mother ?over the fact that she clearly leaves me out of the picture and?that she simply fails to see the motives behind??my step sisters who have been taking advantage of her for a very long time.?For many years,?my mother has trapsed across the United States visiting all of her siblings except for one....and that would be ME.?In my entire married lifetime,?she's only visited me ONCE and that was when my two sons were very, very little.?They are grown now and?my oldest is a parent with my three grandchildren.???My?step sisters ?are from?my?mothers' ?first marriage before I was ever born.?My mother told me some?stories of what happened between her and her first husband (who is now deceased) but I still don't quite know why her two daughters were left behind.?I don't know the full history of that first relationship nor were my two step sisters involved much with my life or the lives of my brother and my younger sister.?On occasion,?my real older sister (who?has?long been an estranged person in my life) lived with the two step sisters off and on...but they never?were really involved much in my life as I recall.??To me, when I was growing up...I?never really knew just WHO they were and I always viewed them as just people who came to see my mother on occasion who were their "friends".??I would hear alot of tales of how lazy "their bunch" was and alot of negative comments made from both?of my parents but I mostly?stayed out of whatever was going on with them.???I understand they are her first kids...but they were never a part of our lives or in the picture for much of the years I was growing up.?The last few years the oldest one seems to have gradually moved herself into my mother's home using the?"woe is me and my life sucks" pity party tactics to get my mother to allow her to live there rent free and not pay a dime towards any water or utility bills to help my mother out.?Perhaps my mother felt guilty for not being there for her or her sister when they were growing up.?I don't know her reasoning for allowing the oldest to basically mooch off of her.?The other one has a Walt Disney World fetish and for a very long time, would talk my mother into signing her and her bunch in for free.?She could very well afford to pay her own way in as well as get her ?entourage to pay the entrance fee...but if she can get something for free....she will leap at the opportunity.?She's always got her hand out for freebies and free handouts.?Now its my understanding that they can still get in free now to Walt Disney World because one of their group finally has a job there.?I would get very angry at my step sister for constantly bombarding my mother to get into WDW for free.?She would never pay my mother for gas and for a long time,?she'd ask my mother to drive out to WDW just to sign them in for free and never even stop by to see my mother after they were through visiting the park.?That greatly pissed me off..especially because they never offered to buy her gas or give her some money to reimburse her for her troubles.??I grew up around WDW as a teenager ?and my father worked for a company that painted much of Disney World when they first began to build there.?He would sign me in before they even opened the park and show me around to show off all the places he painted.?By the time I was 16 years old,?I had enough of Walt Disney World.?It IS a small world after all until you want to punch Mickey Mouse in the face because that song literally drives you batty by the time that ride ends!At any rate,?my issues with my oldest step sister living in my mother's home rent free when her own kids?get tired of her living off of them ?and?her not ?paying a dime to help my mother out really ticks me off and the other one is playing my mother for a fool.?My only brother was playing my mother too and has been playing my mother for a long time.?He would always tell her about conversations he and I would have only he would twist them around and tell her in a way that would make it to his advantage and he would always lie to her either on the telephone or via letters...even about trivial simple things.?Since he and I have fallen out over the most ridiculous thing?(he claimed I had his address on my personal website which is the most adsurd thing I had ever heard and that I needed to remove his address from my website because he and his wife had "contracts" out on their lives...ummmm, yeah....sure you do..and the cows are jumping over the moon the last I saw.)?If my brother drank water as much as he drank beer,?he might be a bit healthier.?My brother's outrageous antics broke any possibility of our having any sort of relationship because frankly speaking,?I had put up with alot of his outrageous claims...lies...going behind my back and telling my mother our conversations and then also claiming to me that he didn't want anything to do with either of our step sisters and he agree with me that both were taking advantage of our mother and then he turned around,?talking shit about me to the step sisters and claiming to THEM,?they were his favorite "sisters".?The back stabbing, ?the out right lies?and the fact that both my husband and I have gone far and beyond anyone else, when it came to helping ?and then that's the thanks we get,? |
| The back stabbing, ?the out right lies?and the fact that both my husband and I have gone far and beyond anyone else, when it came to helping ?and then that's the thanks we get,?was the last straw as far as continuing ties to what shreds there was left of my supposed family.?In 2006, unfortunately I had to endure horrendous lies being placed in every dog forum site that my estranged ?sister ?could find.?She did her very best at ruining and destroying my reputation as a professional dog breeder, anywhere she could find FREE to post and because people don't know this is going on or that she was really just a very mentally disturbed, angry estranged sister of mine,?they believed her lies.?It took a very long time for me to find many of her postings and I literally had to contact each website owner to get them to remove her postings.?I even had to contact my space because she went so far as to create a disparaging "my space" page using stolen photos of mine and writing horrendous blogs pretending to be ME.?The lengths that this woman went to in order to destroy me as a person and my business,?surprised even me!?A person has to have alot of inner hatred to do what she did, to me.?I was beside myself at the things she wrote and was so bothered by it (which was her intent) that I even wrote about it on my personal website so that anyone who had come across her ugly, horrendous remarks would know that SHE did this and what her motivation and intentions were.?She was never a customer of mine....she was never anyone I had a relationship with nor was she anyone I ever considered to be a friend or "sister".??Back when I was a very young adult and she had slept with a guy I had very much liked,?was the day I never trusted her as a person again.?I knew back ?then,?what sort of person she really was and?she was always a backstabbing person who would mow you down without blinking an eye, if she could get away with it.?As you can tell,?I have no relationship with any of my siblings and now, not even my own mother.?None of the siblings in my family actually have a relationship with each other.?If they do,?its hanging by a thread?and that?tiny piece of thin thread is my mother.??When she is gone forever,?that thread will be cut forever as well.?It will then be that perhaps my mother will find peace.?God knows that for many years,?she has suffered alot from the dysfunction going on within the children she brought into this world.?As a child,?I witnessed her being beat senselessly by my father during his drunken rages.?As a child,?I never knew if we would die or if she would die at the hands of my father.?As a child,?I never felt that she loved me and I surely never heard her say to me that she loved me.?The words never came until I was nearly 35 years old...and even though I had always wanted to hear her say it....I could never feel it.?Not one hundred percent.?As a young adult, I lived my life trying to prove her wrong...because growing up, she would always tell me that I would never amount to be anything.?Okay,?I did do some things as a teenager like smoke pot and did some drugs here and there but I never got arrested and I never killed anyone and I certainly didn't deserve being told I would never amount to be anything because I had alot of potential to do whatever I wanted to do.?As a rebellious teenager,?I just did whatever I could to piss her off and because I was a "daddy's girl" and took sides with my father, I didn't much care what my mother thought.?I blamed the alcohol and I blamed her.?I never, as a child, blamed my father even though he probably deserved rightly so to be blamed.?But he loved me.?He took the time with me and he made me laugh and even though he did have a bad side,?I loved him greatly because he was a kind hearted soul who gave in to his demons, on occasion.?My father comes to me on occasions through dreams and for a very long time,?I feared him even in my dreams.?I was only able to finally smile and actually have a very pleasing dream when he showed up on a boat and I stood on the dock waiting for that boat with him in it to take me for a boat ride where we talked and laughed and had a father/daughter time.?I woke up feeling loved and I woke up missing my father more than ever....even though he brought great sadness to me as a young child and he hurt my mother too many times.I think this mother's day we should give some thought as to what our mothers mean to us.?I have alot of sadness when it comes to my feelings about what my mother means to me,?but I can be thankful that at least she passed on the qualities that I DO like about her and because she passed on her strong, determined genes.?The day I joined the military was the best thing I could have ever done for myself.?When I graduated from boot camp,?I knew I was more than what my mother had told me I was and I was never so proud of myself as I was the day of graduation.?My two sons were proud of me too, because I proved to them as well that THEIR mom was a strong woman who loved them very much and what I did was not just for myself,?but for them as well.?I wanted to be a mom they could be proud of.?Because my mother never told me she loved me...not until I was well into adulthood....I made it clear to my two sons all the time that I was proud of them...that I loved them and they were MY world.?My mother was never a part of the lives of my two sons as a grandmother.?Because of that,?I make it clear to my oldest son that I very much want to be a part of his children's lives.?I love my grandchildren and very much want them to know I love them.?So, I can be thankful to my mother...that all of the negative that has come from our inability to have a real relationship....helped me become positive in my own life and helped me understand what a child needs growing up and what they need as an adult.?That need is to know they are loved by their mother and to know that their mother is going to always be there for them so long as they live.?My mother's inability to love me or show love for me gave me the ability to be just the opposite for my children and for that....I'm very grateful.?When I became an adult,?I made it a point to be just the opposite and to do just the opposite as a parent and as a mother because I never wanted my children to live their lives, as I do myself, wondering how to gain the love of a mother.?I'm fifty now and don't need my mother to love me anymore and if she doesn't want to love me....doesn't want a relationship with me...doesn't want to be a part of my life...I can live with that because I've accepted the fact that you can't make someone love you.You can't make someone want you no matter how much you give of yourself to another human being.?If you aren't wanted,?there is nothing you can do and there is nothing you should do.?I shouldn't have to beg my own mother to be a part of my life.?That's ridiculous.If you are a mother,?go out of your way to make your child feel they are loved.?I think on Mother's day,?its more than just flowers and candy and giving a card.I think mother's day should be a day for reflecting on just what being a mother means to the "mom" and to their families. |
|
Webhosting