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I Need Your Religion Like I Need Another Hole |
| Ah....Saturday morning!Cup of tea??Check!Internet connection??Check!Warm pajamas and fuzzy slippers??Check and Check!The cell phone is shut off and I'm more than happy to sip my tea, surf the web, and relax the day away until it is time to go to work and sling booze to the local boozaholics.?Ah....Saturday morning.... quiet... restful....BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM!What the....?BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM!There is someone at my door??Now who could that be??I certainly haven't invited anyone over to share the blissful sanctity of my Saturday morning...BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM!Alright, damn it...I'm coming!There is a man at my door, nicely dressed, well-groomed, and wearing an expensive looking trench coat.?He smiles as I open the door."Good morning!"?he says.?"Beautiful day, isn't it?""It is shaping up to be, yes," I reply warily, taking a slug from my warm cup of tea and eying the suspicious looking bundle of literature in his hand."We're in the neighborhood today sharing some information," he begins, and he extends the literature towards me.?"Would you like to take a look at it?""Not really, thanks,"?I stare down at the tracts like he has grown another hand and try to shut the door.?At the top of the stack is the infamous "Watchtower", calling card of pushy Jehovah's Witnesses everywhere.Lovely.?My one and only Saturday morning of the week has to be ruined by the Religion Fairy."If you'll just take it, I'll be on my way.?I don't mean to interrupt if you're busy," he waves the leaflets at me as I give him a death glare."Fine, if it will get you off my porch, thank you!"I yank the pamphlets from his hand and slam the door in his face.?My trash bin accepts his offering and it runneth over.Lovely.Now I've got to take out the trash.I settle back into my chair, content to let the trash wait until later, and resume my web surfing.?A peaceful hour passes.?I make myself a fresh cup of tea and check my email.BAM BAM BAMMITY BAM!What the...?BAM BAM BAMMITY BAM!I'm not even dressed yet, for pete's sake!BAM BAM BAMMITY BAM!Alright, damn it!?I'm coming!Two clean-cut young men in black pants and white shirts now grace my doorstep.?I know where this is going..."Good morning, ma'am!" the blond one exclaims as I open the door.?"How are you today?""Not as good as I was a few minutes ago," I reply coldly."We're here today to talk to you about the Book of Mormon," the other one begins."No, you're not," I cut him off.?"I don't feel like having visitors right now.?Please leave.""But..." the first one tries, however, I am no longer in a hospitable mood.?My Saturday morning has been effectively ruined."No buts!?I asked you to leave.I'm not interested in the book of Mormon, and if you don't get off of my porch, I will happily call the police,"?I fix them both with a glare only a heathen who has not accepted their faith could bestow, hoping they can see the demons dancing naked among the flames in my eyes."Yes ma'am!" they both nod gravely.?"Have a good day, and God Bless You!""I don't need the blessings of your false idea of God, thanks!"I shut the door and stalk back into the living room.?I never had this problem at the apartment.?Not once in two whole years did anyone ever have the balls to knock on my door and ruin my Saturday with their religious witnessing bullshit.?Now that I'm renting a house, I've discovered a whole new world of people in this town, all of them wanting to cram their God and their beliefs down my throat on one of the two days of the week that I can sit at home and enjoy my morning, pajamas, fuzzy slippers, and all.I'll be having none of it, thank you.Next Saturday, I'm answering the door naked. |
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