| So many days I feel like writing something, sending a message out to the world so that others understand what I am feeling and thinking, and yet when I sit to write I realize that anything I say can only be answered by trite cliches or sad head shaking.?I feel like I'm wound so tight that if I let loose my words and deeds will snap out, indiscriminately hurting those around me.?I am tired of the negativity and misery.?I can't stand to look at it anymore.?I find that all my interactions with certain people that I love have turned into a sick and twisted parody of caring.?I care so I lash out.?They care so they cringe and retreat.?I want to return to the days when if I know I'm going to see my family I become excited and happy.?I look forward to talking and catching up.?I hate that when I see their number on caller ID that I cringe and answer it wondering what has gone wrong now.?If I had the chance right now I think I would move far away from it all.?Away from the petty schemes and sad triumphs.?Away from the everyday misery of crisis and failure.?Away from the souldraining hopelessness and depression that surrounds the people I love.?I love them...but...my love for them weighs on me like a stone around my neck.?I cannot help them, cannot fix them.?Nothing I say improves the situation and I have lost my objectivity.?So perhaps since I know I cannot help them I must simply do the things that help myself and let them go.So to those of you who suspect I am talking about you, well, maybe I am and maybe I'm not.?Just know that I do love you and I am tired of being angry and frustrated and want to find that place again someday where I can enjoy my interactions with you and look forward to them again.In the meantime I am going to work on loving and forgiving myself for things I have done in the past.?I am going to work on enjoying today instead of wishing for tomorrow or what could have been.?I want to revel in the beauty of this moment instead of yearning for the?future. |
|
Webhosting