| GIVERS AND TAKERS
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????I would like to think I am an expert by now in the game of relationships but it isn?t so.?It was just a moment ago in time, or so it seems now, I was a young adolescent lost in daydreams about that perfect person who would fill me up with the love that was missing inside.?At that time, I wasn?t even sure of my orientation because I could imagine anyone, male or female, as perfect for my fantasy of the white picket fence and happily ever after.?Of course the sex was a problem since I knew inside I was gay but in time I was sure tht would all work out and I could live the normal life.?Since I lived in movie theatres, I could imagine the impossible as being likely.?Then I left home and found that I would fall in love with women and get vey jealous, feeling rejected by them, when they simply knew what I would not admit; this was not the movies and the ending could never turn out happily ever after since sex was a part of the picture.?So I gradually came to the conclusion that I was gay and that was going to be my life.?At first I fought intimacy with anyone and closed that part of myself down.?Then I accepted it and entered the world of gay life where love was more often than not about looks, body molding and costumes.I couldn?t imagine that I would find anyone to love or even more so to love me back.?I had my heart broken so many times, I would just run to a therapist, get a quick stitch in the heart and move on.?When I finally did meet someone different it was after I had gone to a therapist, heart so broken I was sure it could no longer be just stitched up, and said I had to find out what inside of me was attracting various versions of the same emotionally unavailable men who left me feeling as if I were the worst thing on earth.They treated me as if they wanted to destroy me rather than love me.?Gee, it was almost like they were a great combinationn of my brothers, my father and some school bulllies.?After two years of really doing the soul searching, I made the connections back to the individuals who had left me feeling the same way.?I was recreating them through others, blocking out the signs since I didn?t want to know anything more than I was the one who would fix them and make them love me, this time.?In other words, I would fill the loneliness and emptiness I had grown up bearing.?Once I realized I could not replace what was done in the past by trying to get it from the past, I felt even emptier, that is, until I began to understand I had to be willing to live from the current moment on and find that love by choosing individuals who were capable of loving me and willing to love me.?It was freeing to know I was not the one who was at fault in the past but simply unaware that the individuals that denied me the love I needed so much were incapable of giving it.?They didn?t know how to give it.?I then met a great guy and for fifteen years, I learned more about true love than I had in all the previous years put together.?It was strange and almost dull at first but I knew enough to go with it and in time that quiet love grew inside of me and filled me up because I learned to love myself enough to allow someone else who could love me to enter my world.?It lasted fifteen years and some deep losses in both of our lives as well as taking communication for granted way too long led us apart.?My heart wasn?t there anymore in the same way but I also knew and still know the best friend I ever had and the love of my life up until this moment is that guy.?He will always be with me because I was filled with his love for me and I am reminded every day that it was my willingness to change what I would accept or not from another person that changed things for the better.?Even though I know now the difference between those who can give and those who cannot, I am reminded occasionally how easily I could slip back into that neediness built on a wish to redo the past.?I am sent someone who cannot be there for me and may fight to change them for a while but I then wake up and realize I cannot go back to that hell.?Heaven for the heart lies ahead, not in the past.?I know I am on the right track when I am seeing no one and I feel full inside with just me and my own heart and soul.?Others just become the icing that seals the deal should they come along.?If they do not, I can no longer afford to sell out to those who still believe love is in muscles and looks or some specific sexual act.?No, it is much deeper than those qualities.With Love,
Alex Prince
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