| So I'm sitting at Tex Mex last night after a hard day's work and I'm enjoying the nectar of the gods: a cold Dos XX with a lime, and I'm noticing a few things.My bartender, Jose, is talking at the other end of the bar to one of the employees of the fine establishment on his day off, obviously, because he's fucking hammered.The guy's speaking in Spanish and Jose tells him, "I can't understand you."And everyone laughs.Then it dawned on me. Bartenders are legal drug dealers.Of course this isn't a new concept.Alcohol makers and distributors know it, bar owners know it and even bartenders know it: alcohol makes people more open, honest, stupid, retarded, and alcohol is like truth serum.More importantly, however, alcohol makes you less self aware.It makes you feel as though you've escaped your body.You don't feel as much.You'll say whatever comes to your mind, often with disastrous concequences (like a slap to the face) and alcohol makes you want to get naked.It's a fact.I did personal research.When there is a recession or a depression, such as happened in the late twenties, early thirties, and as we're kind of going through now, only a few businesses thrive.Stores and other retail establishments suffer as money gets tighter.The housing market suffers.People just don't buy as much and they hang onto their money.But there are a?few businesses that actually increase during these times as the others decrease: Bars, Movie Theaters and Black Market Drug Dealers.These people make a killing.Why?Because people like to escape.Which brings me back to my epiphany.Bartenders are legal drug dealers.They administer escapism in the form of drinks that people guzzle down and become more and more beligerent, their speech slurs, they say things that are innapropriate and they often end up going home with someone they wouldn't have even looked twice at had they been sober.For those who are old enough to remember, which is only a few of us with false teeth and walkers in the trunks of our cars, there used to be a show on TV called Cheers.Where everyone knows your name.This show made the bar seem glamorous.It made it seem like a place to go when you needed a friend.The bar was a place where everyone knew your name, where you always had an open ear to listen to your problems and where you were always liked, even if you were really annoying.Of course, they never showed the real face of the bar life.They never showed the slobbering, sloppy, drunk guy who's got his zipper down and his shirt over his head as he's saying, in a slurred voice, "Look At My Penis!"Ok, that was me last night, but we're not going to dwell on that.Cheers legitimized the bar, it made it funny.People came in, drank and hilarity ensued.But the bar just isn't like that.People get dumber, they get stupider, they say things that they normally wouldn't say and they escape.That's why bartending has got to be the best job EVER.You get to administer drugs to people and watch them get more and more fucked up as you remain in the same coherent state.What other job do you know that's like that?Ok, maybe a real drug dealer, or a doctor administering morphine, but how often do you get to do this in a formal setting where hot chicks are willing to do body shots off of each other?Alcohol does have an ugly side, however.It's not all lesbos and naked drunk monkey sex (thanks, Hope).It's what I blame for all the ugly people walking around these days.That's right.This sign is posted everywhere and it wouldn't be so funny if it weren't true:But besides all the ugly people, alcohol has another ugly side to it.Not only does it make you do and say things you normally wouldn't, which isn't all bad, it can make you think you're ten feet tall and bulletproof.This is just a side note but isn't it funny how alcohol is completely legal, it makes people drive erratically, it causes fights and it makes people think they're invincible; yet weed is illegal?A plant that grows in the ground naturally and it makes you laugh and it makes you more docile and peaceful and that could land you in prison while alcohol frees freely at every bar, and can be had at every convenience and liquor store.That might have something to do with the Alcohol industry lobby.They're a big reason why weed is illegal.If it were legal, it would cut into alcohol sales because not as many people would drink.But I digress.Alcohol makes you think you can't be touched, it makes you think you could stop a bullet."Hey, buddy, I want you to punch me in the face and kick me in the balls.Come on.I can take it.I've had ten beers and I'm invincible!"That was an actual conversation I overheard last night.Ok, maybe it was something completely different and that's just what I heard.What do I know?I was drunk.If you made it this far, I'm going to come to the final part of my Dos XX memoirs and that involves how all these bars and establishments that serve legal drugs to people with the intention of them escaping and getting sloppy: How the fuck does everyone think these people get home?When you pass a bar at two in the morning, or even twelve thirty, you can bet that all those cars in the parking lot are owned by people drinking alcohol.Now, I don't know about you, but I've never seen a swarm of cabs lining up at bars at closing time.It's not like airports, where cabs flock like vultures of a dead body.No, every one of those people intends to drive home.?This is what I thought of as I drove home...I mean took my taxi home last night.Yeah, that's right.I took a taxi.I even took a picture.I didn't notice in my drunken state that he was driving on the wrong side of the cab and REALLY liked his knick knacks, but I took a cab.I asked the cabbie, "How come you don't stay outside of bars when people leave so that they don't drive home drunk?"This I'm asking as I'm being very responsible by the way (for any occifers reading this) hehe
He responded, "Because drunk people are to be fucking crazy!And they don't tip!Spend all their money on booze."He was from Pakistan and for some reason they just cannot conjugate the TO BE verb.But I see his point.Liquor.It sucks your money, your intelligence and your self awareness.It helps you escape, it helps you feel confident and it helps you have sex, even with ugly babies as the consequence.That's why my local bartender, Jose, is my personal hero.He helps others get out of their drudgery, he gets them laid, he makes fun of them to their faces and they don't even realize it (they even laugh at themselves completely unaware) and he gets paid for it.So Jose, this Dos XX is to you.Sorry, it's the morning so I'm going to have to go scoop it out of the toilet along with the Tacos Al Carbon I ate last night.Oh, and that's another bad thing about alcohol.It makes you sick and it causes you to lose your friends.Which is one of my personal mottos:
"Friends are like your lunch.When you get too drunk, you lose them."This has been another installment of Dos XX memoirs from the only gringo at Tex Mex. I met many great people last night.I met a wife on her anniversary (at a bar), I met a lesbian going on a blind date, a latina who is married who I proposed to, and a man from Honduras who LOVES The Doors and The Wonder Years.Who would've guessed? |
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