| When this page was first started, every other day or so, we were blessed with the opportunity to share our own stories with others that were like us and had experienced the same things.?Within our own voices, we were able to find people who were similar to ourselves and not feel as alone for once.?Tony and I have asked Tracy to share her story with us.?I would like to thank Tracy for being brave enough to step up and share a piece of herself with us.?Without further commentary from me, this is Tracy's life in her words.?If you'd like to learn more about Tracy, there is a link to her personal page at the end of this piece.I remember a turbulent childhood and adolescence.I moved around constantly and was always the "new kid."I was labeled "gifted" at an early age and advanced a grade (the school wanted to advance me another grade - but my folks put the kibosh on that), which made me the subject of more hatred by my peers.I was raised the only adopted child of my parents, and it was an extremely chaotic environment filled with violence and verbal abuse.It should come as no surprise that mine was not a very happy, carefree upbringing.I was subject to frequent mood swings which my Mom explained away to an "artistic temperament" as I loved to sing, draw, paint and write poems.I lived in the realm of my imagination and fantasies to help keep myself sane, as I felt the entire world around me was entirely unstable.When I was 20 years old, I was attending a junior college, working hard at being able to transfer to a 4-year university.I was on the Dean's List and consistently made honors.I applied to 3 different schools.One of the ones I was accepted to was UC- Davis, an extremely prestigious school.It was a no-brainer as far as which school to choose, and that fall I entered the university as a junior transfer student.This was my first time living away from home, which I found exhilarating.No more feeling like I was living under the thumb of a drill instructor!Free at last!I felt like I had finally gone to Heaven.But soon, I noticed I couldn't stop the feeling of what I thought was "normal" excitement.I began sleeping less and less, talking so fast that people could not understand what I was saying, and becoming belligerent.My thoughts were racing faster than I could get them out.I was living in the dorms that first year, and my behavior became so disruptive that basically I was given an ultimatum: seek psychiatric help at the Student Health Center (neither my parents nor myself had any insurance) or get kicked out of school.This really struck fear in my heart, as I loved school and didn't want to get booted out.So, reluctantly, I went to the Student Health Center.There I encountered one of the worst "doctors" I have ever met in my life.He didn't look at me, didn't treat me like a person - more like a "thing."He pulled a large medical book down from his library and began to read what I would later learn were signs and symptoms of Bipolar Disorder.He basically read them to me and asked whether or not I had the symptoms.He then said "you're Bipolar," wrote me a prescription for Lithium, and dismissed me. I took the Lithum for 3 months and experienced some unpleasant side effects.I expressed my concerns to the school psychiatrist, but he didn't listen or seem to care.So after 3 months, I threw the meds in the trash and basically went into denial there was anything wrong with me. I was symptom-free for 6 years.Fast-forward to when I was 26 years old.I had just moved into a new city and was taking on a new job. |
| I had just moved into a new city and was taking on a new job.That summer, I developed a second-degree sunburn on my leg that made the skin look like rotten meat.I was in constant pain and couldn't sleep.I am not normally a "pain pill" person, but I needed something in order to cope.The doctor gave me Vicodin.It helped with the pain, but also threw me into a full-blown psychotic mania.I later learned what I went through is listed as a potential side effect of Vicodin in the Physician's Desk Reference.Would have been nice to know beforehand!Anyway - the mania started full-bore.I began to believe I was a prophet, the world was ending and I was a "special" person chosen by God to help save the world.I began to hear things, see things, and give away many of my personal possessions.No one could slow me down, much less reason with me. I spent money I didn't have, and later had to declare bankruptcy because I was over $30,000 in debt as a result of my episode.I wandered the streets of San Francisco like a homeless person, with dirty clothes, looking completely unkempt.For some reason, I drove myself to the San Francisco International Airport and decided I needed to make a shrine to John Lennon at the Air France counter.I was cuffed almost immediately by the airport police, taken into custody, and placed on a 5150 involuntary hold at the local hospital.Normally under California law, the facility can observe you for 72 hours, and then either release you or extend the stay according to their discretion.I was kept in a locked mental ward for 2 weeks against my will.No fresh air, no sunlight - no nothing.Additionally, I was the only one on the floor to have my room to myself.So you know it had to be pretty bad.I was deemed "gravely disabled" and the doctors there drugged me with so much Haldol I could not get up from my bed.I was drooling, unable to speak and my eyes rolled to the back of my head.I later learned that mixing Haldol with Lithium can cause brain damage, but apparently these doctors didn't get the memo.After my discharge I was eventually weaned off Haldol, but was given other drugs to take.I was let go with a warning that if I didn't comply and ended up having another episode, I might not "come back" as it were.How prophetic that was.I did well until I was 33 years old and going through a divorce.I had been briefly married for 2 years and came to the sad realization it would never work out.I began drinking heavily, abusing marijuana, and also taking way more tranquilizers and sleeping pills than was healthy for me to.I was severely depressed, and the end of my marriage made me feel like a failure.I experienced intense self-loathing and such pain that I just wanted to make it go away - I didn't care how.I pretty much slid into the biggest depression of my life - and I have had more than a few.I finally decided one night that I was going to kill myself, so I overdosed on tranquilizers, sleeping pills and drank all the alcohol in the house ( which was quite a lot).I don't remember calling my best friend for help, but apparently I did.She rushed me to the hospital emergency room and tried to get me medical attention while I was in and out (mostly out) of consciousness.No doctor came to my aid, nor did any medical social worker come to assess the situation and see if I might need to be involuntarily committed. |
| No doctor came to my aid, nor did any medical social worker come to assess the situation and see if I might need to be involuntarily committed.It was a terrible scene.I had a harrowing near-death experience.A "good" force, probably an angel or spirit guide, appeared to me and was extremely upset with me. They said I was rejecting God's ultimate gift.They showed me visions of what I can only describe as hell, and told me that if I continued down the path I was going (drinking, drugging, etc) - then that was where I would end up.But if I chose life and them, then I would live.It was as real as me talking to you, and the images were so vivid they cannot be described.The only thing I can tell you is that I made the decision to live, and have NEVER had a suicidal thought again.EVER.It scared me that much.In fact, so much that I could not even talk about it for months without breaking down in tears.Believe me, I have studied near death experiences academically as well as had the pleasure to meet Dr. Raymond Moody, the psychiatrist that wrote "Life After Life" and pioneered research on them.I know of what I speak.The next day I called my psychiatrist at the time and told him what happened.He gave me some psychiatric hospitals to call, to see if they had beds available.I admitted myself to the one that was available.It was a decision I would later regret.I checked in severely depressed, and checked out 2 weeks later with full-blown mania.Yes, once again I thought I was a prophet, the world was ending, etc. I was evicted from my apartment and had nowhere to go.My parents were living in Oregon at the time and took me in.I was in and out of hospitals again for many months, and they were unsure if I would be able to come out of this episode as it was extremely severe.But the psychiatric team in Oregon persisted in trying to help me. They put me on different meds (I was on a couple of anti-depressants - which I later learned could have been partially responsible for the mania) and weaned me off the tranquilizers I had become addicted to.And, I am happy to say, came out of it all just fine, and remain symptom-free aside from some situational anxiety and depression - but nothing that is not manageable, and I think anyone in my current situation would be experiencing.For the past year, I have been proud to be a presenter in NAMI's (National Alliance On Mental Illness) In Our Own Voice program, sharing my experience, strength and hope with the community at large; to show people what mental illness "looks like;" that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you can live successfully with a mental illness.I have spoken at statewide rallies on the capitol steps; to corporations; friends and families; and the mentally ill themselves - most recently, to patients in hospitals.Not only has it been empowering for me, but it is extremely rewarding for all the positive feedback I receive.All I want is to be of some help to someone, to show them life really can go on - and even better than you'd imagined.You can check out the NAMI website atwww.nami.orgAs for myself and what advice I would give, I would say the most important thing is to find a good psychiatrist and hang onto them.Be an active participant in your care rather than assuming you don't know anything.Adhere to your medication regime; find a good therapist if you need to.Realize there is no "one size fits all" treatment - what might work for one person might not work for you, and that mental illnesses are biochemical brain disorders that CAN be treatable.Have people around you that love you no matter what, unconditionally and non-judgmentally.Complete an advanced directive, notarize it and give it to your doctor and someone you can trust, as well as keep a copy for yourself - so that it can speak for you when you cannot, and you get the care you need.Read up all you can about your illness and become a "patient expert" because knowledge is power.Most importantly - never give up hope. |
| Most importantly - never give up hope.You can get through it!-Tracy
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