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I watched WWE programming for the first time in (literally) years tonight. More on a whim than anything. Friday Night Smackdown! on CW. I remember watching the premiere nearly a decade ago when the network was still UPN, I was still following mainstream American pro-wrestling, and I still firmly believed I'd be doing something similiar as a career at this point in my life. Ten years later Smackdown is its own brand and I wish Vince McMahon had died as a child. It's a fucked up thing to be this bitter and nostalgic at twenty-five. Anyway. 90% of it pissed me off just as much as it did when I stopped watching. The matches are still reduced to five-minute high spot reels in which concepts like psychology and storytelling and common sense seem to've fallen through a fucking time warp. Hearing Mick Foley of all people put over a one-dimensional mongoloid like Batista made me physically ill. And speaking of mongoloids, why does Paul Wight still have a job? Seriously? I swear the only reason that dude is still picking the bones of heel Andre the Giant as opposed to face Andre the Giant is because the black singlet hides the liposuction scars. And fifteen years in the business, he still works like old people fuck. I'd rather watch Giant Silva fight MMA than watch that giant douche bag do anything except get his asshole torn out by wild boars and eventually bleed to death.But there was that 10%. Shocked and delighted to find guys like Dave Finlay and Tommy Dreamer still have jobs. And DUDE. The Undertaker choking people out with GOGOPLATAS? WHAT?! That shit made my whole body hard. I didn't know I had so much mark out left in me. 'Taker remains ever the Rock of Gibraltar in a neverending tidal wave of horseshit. No one has brought more legitimacy to a product so incredibly mediocre since Christopher Lee starred in Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf.Torching glass cases with the power of the dark side? Fuck yeah. I just wish the lightning had melted that unholy symbol of abomination they call a title belt. The moment David Arquette strapped that thing on everything inside me containing an ounce of purity died screaming. |
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